Written March 2012
We both knew it would come to this sooner or later. Nonetheless, I am so very sorry. I wish we had never met in the first place so I would not be leaving you in such a position today. All you ever tried to do was help. For that I thank you endlessly. You made me give life a second chance when all I craved was the end.
We had some great times. I will never forget the love that you poured into my soul. I need you to know that everything you could have done for me, you did. You know better than anybody that this was inevitable. Life has always been a struggle for me. I’ve watched every other person in the world get by with relative ease. Why I was dealt from the shitty deck, I do not know. All I do know is that you were my shining light.
No matter your shade, you always made the world a better place. You made the sky light up with your tenderness. Your strong touch could turn any bird into the majestic hero of his kingdom. Any your navy tint…you have no idea how sexy you looked when you draped yourself in navy. No matter the tint or shade, you are a gift to the world.
I just couldn’t deal with the looks anymore. My mind is full of the looks that I’ve been given. My shades always turned me towards a pukish brown. You will never know what it feels like to have someone look at you and cringe. And then there’s my lovely tints. You are always greeted with wonder when you walk around. You saw what happened when I tinted. They looked away like their eyes were in pain. Am I so ugly that people have to look away?
Despite all the tints and shades, the worst is my normal self. The world simply ignores me. When people are asked who their favorite is, you are the first on their mind. Do you know how many people even consider me? I can assure that number is quickly approaching zero. You may try to comfort me, but you have no idea what it is like to be completely ignored.
You always told me I should look inward. I want to let you know that I tried. I really did. At times, I liked what I found. But it never lasted. I cannot live my life indoors, secure only in the hope that you would not leave my side. You were…are my strength. But it isn’t enough. The world has been crushing me since birth. I am simply resigning. It’s better than letting the world beat up on me for another half a century.
Please take care of Green for me. Let him know how much I loved him. We made such a beautiful baby. I hope he takes on your traits more than mine. He will always be beautiful—that is not what I am talking about. I want him to be like you—turning the world into a more caring and lovely place. With you there for him, I expect nothing less.
I love you so much,