Become the you that she will meet some day. I wrote that on my mirror a few weeks ago. As I’ve woken up to the phrase day after day, I started to wonder if it was what I truly believed. Should I not become the better person for myself? Why, instead, am I aiming to better myself for a future woman that I have yet to meet? The idea has consumed me for many days. Not because I find it confusing. No. This isn’t confusing. I know full well that I prefer to better myself for her than for me.
I do want to become the person that she will meet. I want to be a good person. I want to compliment her. I want to make her laugh. I want to be interesting. I want to be able to hold a conversation with her—from the petty to the deepest topics. To me, these goals make me that better person I hope to become. I do not know how to put up goals like this if it is only for me. I need it to be for that elusive her. I may not understand why I work this way. I may not be able to communicate why I work this way. The thing is, she will understand.
There is plenty about myself that I know I need to work on. Working on bettering yourself can be immensely lonely. I often bask in the sense of melancholy that such a task creates. This is different. As I wake up to this simple phrase on my mirror day after day, I find that the melancholy is fleeting. I am not lonely as I was before. Even though I have not met her; even though she is not by my side; I know that she will be. One day.
With my elusive wife fluttering like a ghost over my shoulder, many tasks feel easier. I put effort into making myself look good. I find conversations with strangers easier. I don’t get caught up in the bog of the day as often. I know what I want to do with my days. The knowledge that she is with me is surprisingly liberating. I know one day, she will manifest in the form of someone I could hardly imagine. What a great day that will be.
And if she doesn’t? The lonely days might return, but this feeling will not stutter. Can it be that I have fallen in love with the idea of falling in love? I certain hope so. I’ve bowed down before the stench that is fear. The fear of love is the greatest cause of emotional pain I know. I will not be its slave evermore. I am free. With her by my side, I am free. All I can do now is continue to better myself and carry on with my life. I just want to let you know:
I can’t wait to meet you.
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