Alone in the cold
Imagining you are here
Such a painful bliss
Tag Archives: romance
Starting to Pack
Today feels like the start of a different phase in my adventure. I spent several hours shopping to make sure I was ready to leave for the Peace Corps–getting everything from an indestructible water bottle to a Swiss Army Knife. I now am very close to ready on the packing front. I am going to spend this evening and tomorrow seeing how everything packs and coming up with ideas. With 18.5 days until I leave for Morocco, I feel like I need to start preparing. Since my parents are heading back East for a week, I have a full week to myself to figure out everything I need to. After that, it’s going to be crazy.
I’m trying to do a few things for myself before I leave. I want to get in a better reading and writing habit. More than anything, however, I want to get back into music. I feel like I lost my love for music over the last year or two. After going to a metal rock concert with a close friend, I realized I needed to re-explore the world of music. I think a large reason I haven’t been enjoying music is because I don’t like a lot of modern rock. So I’ve been exploring 8Track to find some new stuff. I must say…I’m a little surprised by how much I enjoy Macklemore.
I’m getting more excited about some of the poems I am posting. Although they are still from my teenage years, they offer something I love. Teenager writing is so purely emotional. Even if the poetry isn’t as good as I write nowadays, it is portraying something that I want to recapture. The ones today are rather quick reads. Enjoy!
Merry Christmas
It’s been a great Christmas. With dozens of family members here last night, the evening went by in a blur. I received the most amazing gift from the most beautiful girl I’ve met. A large leather-bound journal for my travels. It is something I will cherish in my time away. I am so happy to have people in my life who understand me so. I love each and every one of you.
I started off today by watching Les Miserables with my parents. It’s pretty much a tradition in my family. We have gone to many Broadway shows in New York over the years…but nothing could beat out Les Mis. The story is so powerful. Love. Heartbreak. Revolution. Inequality. I do wish to read Victor Hugo’s novel some day. Maybe while I am in Morocco. I have a long list of books to read. With twenty days left until I leave, my list of things left to do is dwindling. It is enough to keep me busy. I will be in Morocco soon enough. As those around me always like to remind me–my time in Morocco will be over soon enough as well. Hopefully my lovely lady will be there when that time comes.
I can only hope.
Here is a new batch of poems my nearly a decade ago:
A Very Bronco Christmas
I wrote a lot today. I’m not one for giving gifts. I just can’t bring myself to buy things–even if it is for other people. So I write personal letters. I ended up writing four this morning. I only have three left to write. I’m going to do my best to write them tonight; I like the idea of resting during Christmas Eve and Christmas. It’s starting to feel a lot like Christmas.
I’m watching the Broncos kick butt right now. This will be their 10th win in a row. I am going to miss watching them when I am in Morocco. I mean, the game is fun. But it’s a great way to spend time with my father. I will definitely miss that. Well, 22 days to go until I leave. I’m trying to cross at least three items off my to-do list today. Today it went from 41 to 37. I need to keep it up.
Here are today’s poems. They’re getting better.
A Month Without Her
I spent a month (Oct. 20 through Nov. 20) falling in love with a girl who lived 1,300 miles away from me. It was easily the best month of my life thus far. Now it’s been a month without her. It’s been strange. It not like I think about her everyday. No. That would be easy. I find myself thinking she would make each destination in my daily life so much better–so much fuller. Some days are easier than other–but some days are downright lonely without her.
I’m moving forward in going to the Peace Corps. Which means another 800 days without her. The idea frightens me. I know I asked for this by letting myself fall in love with her so soon before leaving the country. The thing is, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Period. The time apart will be impossible. It’ll teach us much about ourselves and each other. It may rip us apart. But it may make us stronger. I do not know the future. All I know is that, right now, I see no other option. The Peace Corps is where my life has been pointed for years. With it finally on my doorstep, how do I walk away? What kind of life will be waiting for me if I do?
The internal conflict burns inside of me as–each day–I read over more forms and learn Arabic. It’s like I’m living two lives at this point. At some point, one of those lives will have to fall into a hibernation–hoping to be reawoken in the near-future. At this point, I expect that to be the life with her. I do not like that. I hate that that is going to be my decision. I try every day to re-imagine what life would be like if I stayed in the states….but it’s getting harder and harder to see it.
This blog is going to transform in the days, weeks, and months ahead. As I make the transition to living overseas, it will remain my writing blog. But it will also take on the aspects of a Peace Corps Journal. Although I am not legally allowed to share my specific whereabouts or doings, I will be able to share my personal thoughts and writings. That will not change.
I have much from my teenager years that I still want to upload before I leave. I think I need to up it to three per update. Here’s today’s batch of poems from nine years ago:
30 Days Out
With 30 days until I leave for Morocco, two things are on my mind. First and foremost is the girl I am set to leave behind. I know I’m going to leave my family and friends behind…but I don’t entirely regard that a bad thing. Although I will miss my friends and family, I know they will be here for me when I get back. When it comes to romance, life works a little differently. We know full well that we can’t ask each other to wait. It really isn’t sane to expect a 27 month long-distance relationship to last off of a one-month romance. A part of me desperately doesn’t want to risk losing her. That part want to stay behind. The other part of me reminds me that everything I’ve ever wanted (except romance and a family) is offered by the Peace Corps. Ambitious friend. Helping people. Travel. Help towards a great job. I can not expect either of us to wait…but I can hope. Still, I cannot help but imagine my life if I decide not to leave her.
One other thing is on my mind. Arabic. I am not great at languages. In 30 days, I will be thrown into an intensive 8-week course where Arabic and the culture of Morocco will be taught. I need to get a good head start. In order to get going, I am going to force myself to work on it every day until I leave. Today is focused on skowering the internet for ideas on how to start learning the language. Tomorrow will focus on buying a couple language books (and a tourist book of Morocco) so that I can get a real start on my studies. I will let you know how it goes. I may even try to write some Arabic poems or Haikus.
Here is today’s update from my teenage past. Some of these poems are a bit embarrassing (this one included). It almost looks like I wanted it to be a song rather than a set poem. It sounds like a crappy pop song.
Overdose of Peace Corps
I read through all the documents in my Peace Corps packet again. With 39 days until I leave, it seems necessary to figure out as much as I can. I sent an email to my director. I got a response this morning that my Peace Corps Passport has already been issued and will be waiting for me at the staging even on January 14th. I should get more information on the staging event before Christmas…but from what I’ve read, it looks like it may be in Philadelphia.
Over the next 39 days, my time will be divided up between learning Arabic, reading, writing, and hanging out with friends and family. Oh, and watching the Denver Broncos kick some ass. As a result, I will be updating new stuff sporadically based on what I am doing each day. I will, however, continue uploading old pieces for you daily. I really like the one for today. I hope you do too:
Morocco on the Radar
It’s been a good day off. I cleaned my condo, saw Wreck-It-Ralph, wrote some Haikus, and generally relaxed. I finally broke out my Peace Corps packet it today and started getting a better feel for what the next 27 months are going to look like. I even met someone who vacationed in Morocco (he made me much more excited about going). I wish the day would just come.
I think I am going to take a break from what I have been trying to write. It just isn’t working. I’d rather spend these 39 days free writing anyway. I also need to read a lot more than I have in the past week. That means I will have more to upload in the week to come. Until then, here is another poem from my freshmen year of high school:
40 Days Out
Today was my last day of substitute teaching. After two longs years in this field, I hope to finally say goodbye to the job. In 40 days, I will leave for the Peace Corps. Then comes 27 months of service. When I return, I hope to make a career in the government. So, this is the end of a long, strange shift in my jobs. Substitute teaching allowed me to live the way I wanted to live. I made enough money to get by. I never took my job home with me. I could choose what days I wanted to work. It was the perfect life for a writer. Now, I am on Christmas vacation with 40 days left in the United States.
Since I worked on the blog instead of writing yesterday, today I need to focus again. A large part of me just wants to lay down, take a nap, watch a movie, and talk to Sofia. I can’t do that. Yet. That can be tomorrow’s plan. This evening has to be about writing. I will get started now. Here is another poem from 2004 for all of my readers:
Remodel complete
I just spent two hours remodeling my website. It is now ready to explore. As I update with more writing over the next few weeks, the earlier years will begin to fill up with content Until then, the content from 2012 is full enough to keep you busy. Here is the link. Let me know what you think about the new website.
Richard T. Reilly 